quick 5

Hello from Florida! We are winding up our vacation down south and flying home in the morn. But in the mean time, here's the quick 5!

1. In six days we've seen Disney (Magic Kingdom), Gatorland, Legoland, and spent quality time in the resort pools, outlet mall, 7-11, Starbucks, and Target. Tonight my mom asked Ella what was her favorite part? She replied, "The bathtub." Our hotel room has a large jacuzzi, which apparently is better than all the other things combined. Ah, to be four. 

2. One recurring theme of the week was roller coasters. Isaac (5) officially made his transition to the "big" group and hung with the guys, riding his first roller coasters at the Magic Kingdom. Two days later, Ella (4!) decided she, too, was ready for roller coasters. And off she went. And she loved it. 

Waiting in line for the Coastersaurus

Re-enacting Ella's first ride

3. Did you watch the final episode of The Office? We watched it together last night and I found it sad but satisfying. It's hard to believe that it's over, you know?

4. I've had a song (When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars) in my head for the last few days. The melody is catchy, and the chorus seems to be stuck on repeat or something, but it's more than the tune that grabs me. It's a song about regret, as the singer reflects on how he should have valued a relationship when he had the chance. Regret is a powerful thing. I've heard people say things like "I have no regrets". I've seen the pithy saying "Live with no regrets". But for me- I have regrets. And I like to live with them; I think of them as old friends. Not because I want to harbor or wallow in them, but because I want to remember the fact that I've made choices that I don't want to repeat. My regrets remind me that I'm not perfect, that my choices matter, and that I don't want to repeat those choices. 

5. Tessa has gone on a sleep strike while on vacation. It's been hard, because for several nights we've been up A LOT. But, in some ways, it's good, too. My kids have always been megasleepers, kiss 'em good night and then see them ten hours later. But to have a small bout with a night time battle reminds me to not take it for granted AND to have compassion when people talk about the sleepless nights. I'm hoping that being back in her own room will break this cycle.

Last week I expressed some ambiguity over what exactly I am doing on the blogosphere. Thanks to those of you who responded in different ways- it was helpful! I haven't really settled on a certain direction (hasn't been the best week for contemplation and decision making!) but it's still at the forefront of my mind.

I also mentioned last week that I had entered a summary and piece of my book in a contest called Pitch +250. Last week, I made the first cut to Top 50. This week I made the Top 25. Each Sunday in May, the contest will move ahead. So this coming Sunday (5-19) the top 10 will be listed (and I think the actual entries published on that site?). Those ten entries will then be reviewed and scored by agents who will rank them. The following Sunday, the final rankings will be posted.The 'prizes' are input from other writers and agents, which would be so helpful at this stage in the game with a mostly-finished draft.  (You can read about the contest here, see the top 25 here, or, if it's after May 19, check on the Top 10 here.) 

Here's a few more vacation shots...

Rapunzel, Ella, Tess, and Fiona

My niece, Harper Grace. Happy 1st birthday!

Just relaxing in Florida

Have a great weekend, folks!

quick 5

It's Friday. At last. Already. 

That about sums it up.

I've got a bunch of pics to share and lots of things to say about the marathon and trip that starts this weekend and my book draft that I sent back out to be read by a few. But I don't want to talk about that right now, partially because it's late and partially because it's not pressing the way others things are. 

Instead, I want to talk about this little white space, this corner of the internet that I have been chatting on for six years.  So here goes.

1. I don't know why I'm in this contemplative phase when it comes to this blog. But I've been thinking a lot about it. Why am I doing this? Is it useful? Am I actually moving into something or do I write here to avoid doing other things? I'm not saying this at all to elicit responses. I'm just trying to ask myself hard questions, to clarify my direction a bit. And it's been good for me...I think.

2. In the midst of that (or maybe because of that?) I've been thinking a lot about the other blogs I read. In some ways, I feel dissatisfied. Recently there was an e-book sale, and almost all the blogs I read were promoting it and featuring different ones. It made me realize that I think I need to expand, need to find writers who are thinking about different things, instead of feeling so much like I'm on the outside of one conversation. You know what I mean?

3. I think one of my main fears about blogging is the potential to be a negative voice in someone else's life. I don't want to be a source of guilt or comparison or even creating expectations that no one meets. I don't want to paint some rosy picture, like my little circus is one big ball of happy chaos that functions smoothly on a daily basis- not at all (except the chaos part- but that isn't always happy). I don't want to contribute to those voices, and yet I don't know what that means or how to write in genuine ways or why people even are reading and how to meet needs you don't know. 

4. I recently read this blog post on Testosterhome, "Do Bloggers Outgrow Their Corner of the Internet?"  It was timely because the author was thinking through similar things, about the whys and hows of blogging. And in the end she came to this:

I fall into that trap of considering where I fit in blogging wise, when I need to remember — we all need to remember — that the best we have to offer is just us, being us. 

I love that, because isn't that all we have to offer anywhere?  On a blog or in a friendship or as a parent or a volunteer or a neighbor or a customer or a cousin- the best I have to offer is just being me. That's not because being me is such an awesome thing, but because I was created to be me. And when I am OK with myself, I can share and laugh and look into you- and make space for you to be you.

5. On a random morning this week, as my day spun out from under me and I swept the kitchen floor (again), I had a big thought: I don't get to wake every day and do what I want to do, but I can always wake and be the person that I want to be. That was hopeful, and slightly convicting, but mostly hopeful. 


This quick 5 is kind of a downer, I know. Sorry about that. Next week I will have pics and laughter and clarity that comes from being on vacation and not packing or writing at all hours of the night. But for today, this is what I got. 

I hope your weekend gives you some space to be you. 

And if you have any thoughts on blogs you read or why you read them, I'd love to hear it. 

Have a great weekend, folks!

when ella turned 4

Four years ago today, Ella Renee was born. 

And I'm not sure what else to tell you. 

Meeting sister

I would tell you that raising girls is easier than boys, but that would be a lie. 

Cousin Addie and Ella-  born six days apart!

I would tell you that there is an intuition that kicks in, that being mom to a girl has an inherent ease because you share the same gender. But...not so much. 

So what can I tell you, really, about this four year old? 

WHAT SHE'S LIKE

She is kind, funny, sassy, and sweet- any of those and all of those- when she wants to be. 

Stitches round 1

She loves people, travelling, dressing up, and snuggling with her dad. 

Tooth Fairy (17 months)

She changes her clothes at least twice a day, not because the first choice was wrong, but because she feels "like wearing something else now."

She adores shoes, jewelry, and dresses. 

She hates jeans and PBJ's. 

She likes to make a 'project' each day. And if it involves glitter, even better. 

19 months

She loves to go to the doctor, the dentist, and the "poke lady" who tests her iron at her health checks. For both of her stitches, she sat completely still without being held, tied, or sedated. 

Turning 2

The strength of her will is a force of nature. When she wants something, she leans towards it, almost by instinct. When she wrestles her brothers, she is most likely the one to be too rough. She never surrenders (though she bites on occasion.)

She is an adoring little sister, though if you call her that, she will tell you that Tessa is the little sister and she is the medium one. 

WHAT SHE TEACHES ME

As a personality that is never quite sure what I want, Ella's clarity of mind is astounding. She knows what she wants (and how and when and who should get it for her.) 

She also teaches me that beauty for beauty's sake is really OK. She loves dresses because they make her feel lovely. She loves jewelry that sparkles in the mirror. She loves the prism in the window that makes rainbows and the meals when I put a tablecloth on top of the island. All of those things (and dozens more) make her breath catch and her little voice release a "Ooooh! Preettttty!"

Ella loves her people, has a bit of an exclusive circle. She's not a "All are welcome! I love everybody!" She's more of a slow warm, a quiet watcher as she first meets people. But when she has embraced someone, she will constantly celebrate them and express to them how much she loves them. I think I could learn a thing or two about that. 

THINGS I WONDER ABOUT

The boys insist they may never move out on their own; they may even tear up if you bring it up. But not Ella, she will tell you that in thirteen years her daddy is gonna teach her how to drive. Then she's gonna buy her own house and fix meals and we can come eat there and she will visit us. But she'll have her own house. This is all very matter of fact, mind you. 

Recently in a discussion about cuss words (sparked by the word "dam" in Ice Age) I told the kids that when they grow up they will have to decide for themselves what kind of language they will use. But right now, mommy and daddy get to decide. Ella replied, "When I have my own house, I'll probably say dam. But when I come back to visit you, I won't say it."  Well, thank you, three year old.

When asked what she's afraid of, she will say something like, "I'm afraid that when I get big and have my own car and drive around the world, I'll get lost and won't know how to find you."

She is fascinated by power, and has an instinct about it that is interesting. As we read The Magician's Nephew last winter and are working through The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Ella has been taken with Jadis, the character who becomes the White Witch. 

When she said that Jadis was her favorite character, Isaac protested, "But she's evil!"

Ella replied, "I know, but she's beautiful and strong!" Something about her appreciates power and strength in others, and I'm interested to see how that plays out in her. I sense (and have experienced!) that she will have a powerful personality, and I pray for wisdom to help her use that for good and truth and life. 

SOME OF HER CLASSICS

"I'm mommy's daughter but I'm daddy's girl."

"I don't think I could marry a man who doesn't love books."

"I'm not little, I'm medium!"

"Tessa come to sister. Sister always helps you." (said several times a day!)

"I know that book isn't true, but I can't help thinking that Aslan is real."

So there you have it. We are four years into an adventure that is shaping all of us. I can't imagine our house without her ideas and her explosion of dress up clothes and her sisterly ways. 

What a delight. What a ride. What a special little medium lady. 

Happy Birthday, Ella. 

quick 5 {party edition}

Hey folks! I'm making a  habit of showing up a little late around here for the quick 5. I have no good excuses (are there really any good excuses?) so I'll just press on.

Today we had a party to celebrate Ella's 4th birthday. And here are 5 things about that lovely afternoon.

1. Theme
When it comes to parties, nailing kids down on a theme is always tricky. Ella had been saying "Disney Princesses" as her theme and I kept just nodding and asking her if she had any other ideas. It's not that I'm anti-princess, but it doesn't leave a lot of room for creating your own things. Let's face it, that theme forces you to buy stuff. Themed stuff. And I enjoy the process (and cheap side) of creating. So next the theme was rainbows. Except that every time I pointed something out that would fit that, Ella would scrunch her nose. It occurred me this week that she didn't really have a theme but an idea, a way that she wanted to feel. So I called the theme "sparkly lovely" and we went with that. Phew. 

Simple table set for ten (all supplies from Dollar tree)

Ella LOVES these plastic goblets. "So fancy!" she always says.

One thing I did for this party was decorate slowly over the week. It sounds crazy, but I REALLY like to decorate. And I get so frustrated when it's the last twenty minutes and we're slapping up streamers. So this week I experimented with making the crepe paper flowers and then hung them as I went. It was fun!

2. People

Isn't that what gatherings are about anyways? It's not a stage or a evaluation or proof that you have it together. It's people coming together for something. As I thought about Ella's party, I wanted people to feel welcome, the style and time to reflect Ella, and for her to feel loved. 

3. Decisions, decisions. 

Funny conversation last week...

Me: Hey Ella, we need to sit down and make some decisions about your party.

Ella: I know. I still haven't decided what number I want to turn. 

4. Let them eat cake. 

 I tried a new cake recipe and it was a hit! Oh, folks. Just make it. Seriously. It's not hard though a little tedious. But MAN it looked great. 

Plain white cake on the outside, but on the inside...

Isn't that fun? Garrett had the kids convinced that every layer was a different flavor. You just separate the batter (2 cake mixes, 1.5 cups of batter per color) and mix up colors. Bake. Layer. Voila!

(The recipe is here if you're interested.)

Batter all mixed up

Look at all that color! 

5. 

Drew and Ella, chatting after the party

Each time I host something, I have this rush afterwards. I'm pretty sure that is confirmation that a) I'm an extrovert, b) a full house is one of my favorite feelings in the world, and c) there's something meaningful that happens in those moments together. I love the worlds colliding, the neighbors meeting my homeschool friends or my family meeting a church friend. It's like that Sarah Groves lyric...

I wish all the people I love the most, could gather in one place

And know each other and love each other well

I do wish that. 

And when people in my life meet each other, I feel more fully known. It's as if each person is knowing me as a whole person, knowing the other people who make up my days, as opposed to only knowing me in one context. 

It's easy for life to become like a filing cabinet, each group labelled accordingly. 

"Who should we invite? Church friends? School friends? Neighborhood friends? Family?" 

As if we have to pick a group. And truthfully- it is a little work when you first introduce groups of people. But the great thing is, when you bring people together,  they get to know each other, and they become friends!  So at the next party, it's more like a reunion and less like a random group of people. I'm serious!

Craft time

Hard at work

I guess that's the end of it. We are winding down from party day and gearing up for the marathon tomorrow!!! (Did I tell you that I'm running a marathon? I didn't? That's because I'm not. But my brother is. And we are going to cheer him on!) 

Not much change on the book front, so I won't rant about my lack of progress. However, I did enter a contest because the prize is an agent review of your first chapter. For the contest, I had to sum up my book in 100 words and then submit the first 250 words. They took 100 entries and I made the first cut to 50 (you can see it here. Go all the way down to the title "Whiff".) 

Here's how the contest works, as explained on Adventures in YA and Children's Publishing website. 

Round 1: A great set of bloggers will judge the top 50 submissions. The 25 submissions with the highest scores will move on to the next round.
Round 2: YA authors will judge the top 25 submissions. The 10 highest scores will move on to the next round.
Round 3: Agent judges will score the top 10 submissions.

I'll keep you posted on how that progresses. I think each round takes roughly a week, so maybe I'll know if I make the next cut by next week's quick 5?

I've been thinking a lot about my little girl's birthday and hope to write about that this week. 

And then there's a trip to Disney World. Yep. For real. So that's pretty exciting. 

Well, there you have it. I've been thinking about you- whoever you are- about this blog and what exactly am I doing here? and what does that mean. I'm not sure what the stirring is about, but I'm trying to listen and just let things stir. So we'll see. 

L8R, SK8r!

on growing up and making it matter

We went out last night to let the kids ride bikes and the baby run around and the parents cheer and chase. It was hot and, overall, a slow go, as bikes (and attitudes) needed frequent adjustments. 

The boys worked hard and were off, no help necessary. 

Ella rode her trike a bit but lost interest and took to running, dancing, prancing, and leading Tessa.

Tessa sat in her stroller, chewing her fingers.

Tessa toddled wobbly on the grass. 

Tessa was in the thick of it.
"ELLLL-LLLLA!" She screamed as she ran behind. Circles and circles she ran, how those little legs could even go that far is beyond me. But she did, and apparently could have done more, as she yelled her protest when we left.

The reality settled over me that I don't have a baby any more. That felt funny because I see myself as a mom of littles, as the ring leader of a little circus of a baby and a few preschoolers. But that isn't the case any more.

I've known that they were growing up. But it occurred to me last night that I am growing up.

I'm not a newlywed, not a new mom, not fixing dinner with a baby on the hip.

Next year, I'll have THREE doing school and just one dinking around, distracting us all. There's just one in diapers. One in sippy cups. One who needs help into a carseat. One in a crib. One who doesn't dress herself. And when that one grows just a bit more- there won't be any. 

It's been in  my nature to not realize the season I'm really in. I remember in my mid twenties, I got invited to a baby shower at church. I looked at the invitation, puzzled.

"That was nice of them to invite me," I said to Garrett, feeling like they had invited the high schoolers or something when they included me.

"You do realize you have two kids, don't you?" was my husband's reply.

Oh. Right. All grown up. That's me.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to grow up and it's a little hard to get to, hard to understand exactly. I'm not afraid of getting older or of change or loss. I don't want to be a kid forever, or a thirty-something forever.

I think it's more a longing, a wondering if I'm getting to the real things, if the years are passing in a way that matters. 

At the heart of it all, I don't really need my life to be orderly or glamorous or all that together, but I so deeply want it to matter. Want to contribute. Want to give my heart and soul to things that are worthy.

I don't want to wake at the end of any decade and think, "Well, nothing significant happened in that ten years."  Oh, I know there will be significant things with or without me- kids growing and tragedy that comes and celebrations up on us. But I also know that there is a way to live that brings the significant right into the kitchen, that pulls the things that matter to the top of each day's to-do list. There's a wisdom that senses the things that are of little weight and tosses those aside, let's them get dusty while the good stuff gets the best of me. 

And that's how I want to live, all day, every day.

So, in case you didn't know, I'm growing up. 

And, not to be a spoiler, so are you.

So let's not waste energy making it perfect, making it safe, making it risk-free. Let's make it matter.

Let's drop the notion of making it pinnable or facebook worthy or blog material. Let's make it matter.

And when the days are running away from us, when the kids are hot and sweaty and the AC is taking an untimely break and the well-ordered day is now a well-oiled disaster, may we find the wisdom to pray for patience and speak in kindness and point our kids to things that matter.


Things like love and hope and joy, serving and giving and listening, truth and freedom and light. And, of course, people. Made in God's image, freed by his grace, held by his hand, people. 

People matter. And loving them, seeking them out, chasing them down- that is work that matters as well. 

That's it for this afternoon.

See ya Friday.