And so today I think, "God, thank you for this year, a year that I have never seen before."
I've mentioned before that I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions. In my experience, resolutions inspire, then dwindle, then frustrate, and then produce guilt. It's hard to get excited about that.
But I had a new thought for this new year. Instead of setting out to be better (a better mom, better wife, better disciple, better friend) what if I scratch that idea altogether. I don't really want to be better. This is really the heart of it for me: I want to be the person that I really want to be instead of being the person I feel like I have time to be. I feel like I have settled in to a lesser version of the life I truly want to live. I say that without guilt, because many decisions are based on survival through the foggy years of little kids. But at what point do you take things off auto pilot and become the captain of your own ship again? I think that point, for me, is 2011.
That's all very abstract, I know. What does that mean? I'm not sure. A lot of it for me is cultivating spiritual disciplines that have fallen by the wayside (reflective journaling and scripture memory come to mind right away). Another aspect is taking care of myself (not as in Starbucks and pedicures, that would be a resolution I could get excited about!) with healthier life choices. I know there's more, and I think that it may be a process to even understand the changes that are creaking underneath the surface.
Many years ago, I attended a funeral for a friend's mother. A friend of the woman spoke about a saying that this dear lady had told her: I cannot determine the quantity of my days, but I can determine the quality.
Here's to seizing the day, not like Carpe Diem seizing it, like kid running away from you in Walmart and you grab him by the hood of his coat kind of seizing it. Oh no you don't, you get back here. That's the mental picture I have for this year, to live with purpose and passion from sunrise to bedtime.
Sounds good. Sounds exhausting. Think I'll start that resolution with a nap.