3/28/12

tonight I write

The little ones have lost their well-fought battle against rest. And so for now the house is still, the appliances humming, the fans on full blast.  I survey the kitchen and find in that room alone enough to keep me busy from now until dawn. But I start the coffee and will work only until it is ready. The kitchen will be there at dawn.


Tonight, I write.


I am coming to grips with the fact that my days are full of work. It is joyful work, meaningful work, work that I would not want another to do in my place. For some reason I feel the urge to work into the night so that the load tomorrow will be a little lighter. And some nights I do and it is- but not tonight.


Tonight, I write.


I write not in spite of my life- but because of it. I write because my life fills me with questions and wonder and ideas that bubble in my head and will only spill when my fingertips rest on the keyboard.


I write not in spite of my faith but from it. I am learning to let myself believe that just maybe God made me this way. Perhaps writing is part of working out my salvation with fear and trembling, part of how I was fearfully and wonderfully made.


I write to somehow be more and less myself. 


Tonight, I write.


I will not make myself a coffee mug brownie to reward myself for writing. No, that is an empty idea; writing itself is the reward. 


I will write without guilt for what is undone, without pressure for it to be good, without fear that it will disappoint. 


And before the sun rises tomorrow, I will awake to fill tummies and scrub floors and deal with the state of the abandoned kitchen. I will pray for my kids and recite memory work and change diapers. I'll try to smile and be patient and, Heaven help me, to laugh freely with the little people in my care. Tomorrow will be a battle between tasks and tots, each pulling at my will for attention. 


But tonight, tonight while the air is cool and the fans hum softly and ideas float through my mind. 


Tonight, I choose to stop the work, recognizing it will be there tomorrow. 


Tonight, I want rest for my heart and exercise for my soul. 


Tonight, I admit that maybe there is more to me than usefulness; maybe there is a story of truth and friendship that wants to come out. And though it may not change anyone's world to read it, it changes mine to tell it.


And so tonight, I write. 

2 comments:

Sharon said...

I'm glad you wrote, because I love reading it!

Jenni said...

GOOD stuff.