That about sums it up.
I've got a bunch of pics to share and lots of things to say about the marathon and trip that starts this weekend and my book draft that I sent back out to be read by a few. But I don't want to talk about that right now, partially because it's late and partially because it's not pressing the way others things are.
Instead, I want to talk about this little white space, this corner of the internet that I have been chatting on for six years. So here goes.
1. I don't know why I'm in this contemplative phase when it comes to this blog. But I've been thinking a lot about it. Why am I doing this? Is it useful? Am I actually moving into something or do I write here to avoid doing other things? I'm not saying this at all to elicit responses. I'm just trying to ask myself hard questions, to clarify my direction a bit. And it's been good for me...I think.
2. In the midst of that (or maybe because of that?) I've been thinking a lot about the other blogs I read. In some ways, I feel dissatisfied. Recently there was an e-book sale, and almost all the blogs I read were promoting it and featuring different ones. It made me realize that I think I need to expand, need to find writers who are thinking about different things, instead of feeling so much like I'm on the outside of one conversation. You know what I mean?
3. I think one of my main fears about blogging is the potential to be a negative voice in someone else's life. I don't want to be a source of guilt or comparison or even creating expectations that no one meets. I don't want to paint some rosy picture, like my little circus is one big ball of happy chaos that functions smoothly on a daily basis- not at all (except the chaos part- but that isn't always happy). I don't want to contribute to those voices, and yet I don't know what that means or how to write in genuine ways or why people even are reading and how to meet needs you don't know.
4. I recently read this blog post on Testosterhome, "Do Bloggers Outgrow Their Corner of the Internet?" It was timely because the author was thinking through similar things, about the whys and hows of blogging. And in the end she came to this:
I fall into that trap of considering where I fit in blogging wise, when I need to remember — we all need to remember — that the best we have to offer is just us, being us.
I love that, because isn't that all we have to offer anywhere? On a blog or in a friendship or as a parent or a volunteer or a neighbor or a customer or a cousin- the best I have to offer is just being me. That's not because being me is such an awesome thing, but because I was created to be me. And when I am OK with myself, I can share and laugh and look into you- and make space for you to be you.
5. On a random morning this week, as my day spun out from under me and I swept the kitchen floor (again), I had a big thought: I don't get to wake every day and do what I want to do, but I can always wake and be the person that I want to be. That was hopeful, and slightly convicting, but mostly hopeful.
This quick 5 is kind of a downer, I know. Sorry about that. Next week I will have pics and laughter and clarity that comes from being on vacation and not packing or writing at all hours of the night. But for today, this is what I got.
I hope your weekend gives you some space to be you.
And if you have any thoughts on blogs you read or why you read them, I'd love to hear it.
Have a great weekend, folks!