on waiting and waiting and waiting

Sometimes I ask Myself, What are you waiting for, Becky?

And then Myself rolls her eyes and shrugs and then, seeing that I am serious, Myself replies:

I’m waiting for a break from school to get the house organized.

I’m waiting for our schedule to slow down so that I can focus on losing baby weight.

I’m waiting until I lose weight to buy clothes that fit well (and be in pictures). 

I’m waiting for a good time to get back into writing my book.

I’m waiting for the kids to grow up before we go camping regularly.

I’m waiting for an open weekend so that we can finish our front porch project.

I’m waiting until I feel rested and then I’ll start getting up before the kids again.

I’m waiting for Garrett’s work to even out and then we’ll get back to reading the Narnia books at bedtime.

I’m waiting for the school year routine and then I’ll get back to meal planning.

I’m waiting for finances to be less crazy and work to be less demanding and friends to not be going through so much stuff, and then, when THAT day comes, watch out world! Here I come!

The problem is- THAT day doesn’t come. There will always be work and people hurting and lots of reasons why we shouldn’t camp this weekend. I will always have laundry and parts of the house that aren’t behaving and things that feel more urgent than focusing on my book.  

That’s why you can’t wait. In fact, that’s the best advice I can give you when it comes to being the person you want to be: don’t wait.

Don’t wait for things to slow down to do the things that really matter to you. 

Don’t wait for all the stars to align, for the calendar to magically open up to a free week and then you’ll start to make time for community. 

Don’t wait for a day when exercising will sound fun. It won’t. It’s not supposed to be fun. You don’t do it because it’s fun, you do it because it’s good for you and you want the outcomes. 

Don’t wait for everyone to get you. Don’t wait for people to ask about the things you really want to talk about- just bring them up.

Don’t wait for your kids to “get bigger” to do all those great things. NEWS FLASH! They are bigger today than they were yesterday. So start. Start reading to them and talking about Jesus and camping and playing board games and doing chores and all those things that are on that list of things you’ll do “when they’re big”.  Start today on something that you want for them, for you as a family, from you as a parent. 

I’m not saying it is all under our control, and I know that life has so much waiting that can’t be shortened. But the quality of today, the things that you are investing in, the person you want to be- that’s on you, Friend. 

There is a grace to waiting well. There’s a patience and a perseverance and a kind of gentle hunger that gnaws at you as you patiently wait for the things brewing in your heart. And there is nothing wrong with the waiting heart, poised and ready to move as lead.  But when the waiting has become a living room and not a lobby, a state of my life and not a watchful alert for the next thing, that’s when you have to stop and ask yourself, “What am I waiting for?”

And sometimes, when I’m feeling strangely courageous, I follow that question with, “What am I really afraid of?” 

And then I bury my head under the covers, or eat chocolate, or both. Which gets sticky.

The waiting is often fear dressed up in excuses, fear that is giving us a timeline, fear that is telling us that we will have to be whole and rested and super self-actualized before we tackle _________. “So just wait,” that fear tells us, “just wait until the timing is right.” But then it laughs as we nod, because time cannot be trusted to ever be right. It’s not ever quite right, is it?

As for me, I’m tired of waiting, tired of excuses, tired of thinking that this “busy season” will somehow leave and then we’ll move on to a peaceful existence. Nope, I’m done saying that. 

As for me, I’m making my peace in the midst of it. I’m back to chasing my passions even while the more urgent is constantly poking me. 

As for me, I’m tired of blaming the stupid calendar for the fact that my family life isn’t what I wanted it to be. I’ll take some blame, and along with that I’ll take back some control.

As for you, why not start tomorrow with the questions of WHO you want to be and ask yourself, "What am I waiting for?"

Better yet- start now.

Why wait?


Keri Misawa said...

Love this!

Erica said...

Good word, Becky! Waiting is often fear dressed up in excuses--pure gold. So true.

Tawnya said...

Getting caught up on your blog. This was so good. The past month God has continued to nudge me in a direction I've been sitting on for 2 years (...or my whole life?!). Taking baby steps and seeing what He does.